In recent tests, the coffee offered to students free of charge in McCartney Library contains approximately 73 % coffee, with the composition of the other 27% of the liquid belonging to various substances. In CHM 232, Quantitative Analytical Chemistry’s latest lab, students were required to analyze the chemical makeup of various common liquids. One student, wishing to remain anonymous, analyzed the brake down of chemicals and other substances and posted the pie chart shown in the lab report. 

While few of these chemicals are physically harmful, students have shown concern over the alcohol content of both Egg Nog and Sake. Plans have been made to remove both alcoholic beverages as soon as possible, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” commented Kyle Brenneman, Reference-Instruction Librarian, “I have a lot of books to put back first, but, yeah, I’ll definitely work on that.” The chemistry department is currently undergoing experiments to test the shower water in Pearce basement as well as the Brigadoon’s hazelnut coffee and Alexander Hall’s supply of Lemon-Lime Vitamin Water.

Alex’s Experiments with “Plateless Wednesday”

It is common knowledge for everyone that goes to Geneva College’s Alexander Dining Hall that, as of this year, the cafeteria has removed its trays in order to “go green or something.” Approval ratings for the Trayless initiative reached a record high last month, as over 12% of students now believe it is a good idea. Due to these overwhelming statistics, Alexander Dining Hall management decided to implement an experimental decision to become more environmentally aware and cost effective.
On Wednesday, March 14th, “Plateless Wednesday” was conducted during dinner in the cafeteria. “This go green thing seems to be pretty simple,” stated Clayton Cappellanti, Director of Food Services. “you just stop using certain things. We’ve already eliminated hair nets from our monthly budget as well.” Wednesday’s dinner menu of spaghetti, with side options of soup or chili, was a perfect meal to test out the Plateless movement that has been sweeping the nation’s cafeterias. Kids could be seen walking with ample amounts of spaghetti in their hands, then dumping it on the table before returning to scoop up some chili or soup.
“I finally feel as though I’m making a difference,” commented Kevin Martinez, an avid go-green enthusiast. “I feel like I’m saving the environment, one hand full at a time.”
However, approximately 88% of the student body feels otherwise. Jacob Bruker, a junior at Geneva College, finds himself in an awkward situation without a plate. “I was born with abnormally small hands,” he said, as he wiped his chilied hands down his clean white T. “I took 27 trips back and forth to get a sufficient amount of spaghetti today. It’s just not fair.”
The implementation of a permanently Plateless Alex’s may be in place as soon as fall of 2012. “Plateless is the new trayless,” states Cappellanti. “We just have to figure out when it will be the right time for full implementation. With 12% approval, that time could be soon.”

Student Collapses after 63rd Lap Around Gym

Danial Replogle, a Geneva College student enrolled in a 100-level Physical Fitness course, passed out

after his 63rd lap around the gym in Geneva’s Metheny Field House.  Geneva physical fitness

professors have used the relatively small indoor gym to facilitate its mile-run testing since 1988,

when it was decided that having kids run lap after lap was simply “hilarious.”  On Tuesday,

sophomore Danial Replogle had the goal of being the fastest runner in his class of 14.

“I felt really good for the first 40 laps,” he recalls from his hospital bed, new IV fluid freshly

attached.  “Somewhere around lap 55 my body started to shut down.”

Despite his heroic efforts, Replogle had his dream crushed as he blacked out

towards the end of lap 63, a mere 27 laps short of 1 mile. Fortunately for the class, the

absence of a clear lesson plan should generate many more opportunities for the mindless

circle running embraced by students.

Football Team Sits Still Through Entire Chapel

Beaver Falls- The air was full of electricity and excitement Wednesday afternoon after the

chapel service concluded in an uninterrupted prayer by the visiting chapel speaker. As the

eloquent speaker concluded, the usual scuffling of homework papers, the shuffling of students

putting on coats, and the squeak of bleachers as students stand in the stage right top corner of

the gym, was mysteriously absent. While the right corner of the chapel is usually represented by

less than 50% of the football team, the corner has unofficially been labeled the “football corner.”

While only this fraction of the team directly represents the courageous and perseverant right

corner, the success of the football corner’s self discipline is, some say unfairly, attributed to the

entire team despite their distribution throughout the rest of the student body.

The commendable actions by the brave students, however, did not go unnoticed: “It was

a testament to the respect they have for authority,” stated the chapel speaker, “At most

institutions I speak at, I am accustomed to spit balls, passed notes, and students leaving in the

middle of my talk, but the discipline shown by these students to not even walk towards the door

during my closing thoughts was exemplary.”

The reaction of the majority of the student body was that of celebration and admiration,

but some could not help but feel distracted by the notable silence. Senior Monica Miller, and

regular chapel attendee stated, “It was eerie. I think I subconsciously tune out the background

noise during the closing prayer. It was like a fan while you sleep; you notice it more when it is off

than when it is running. I find their respectfulness incredibly distracting.” Other critics have

stated that the football corner’s dedication to sitting still should not be applicable to the entire

chapel schedule, including the singing of Psalms; they claim that the reverence accredited to the

bowed heads at the end of the prayer should, in fact, be attributed to sleep, given the open

mouths and drooling by multiple students. These critics, however, are in the minority and the

bulk of campus, including professors, commemorated this momentous achievement by the

cancellation of 11:15 classes to join in the campus wide celebration.

Student body found in Pendragon lair

Beaver Falls - McCartney Library, Geneva’s historic library built in 1930, holds many secrets. From the 3rd floor annals to the rusted sliding racks of the basement Media Center, the library is laced with history of years gone by. However, the Pendragon, Geneva’s writing center, is known to the majority of the student body as a place where, in the words of Dr. Jonathan Watt, “no man shall trod and live to tell his tale”. However, this past week, one poor, unfortunate soul made a mistake that cost him dearly.
According to our insiders, Wednesday morning, March 14th, a transfer Freshman, merely looking for help with his thesis statement and comma placement on a midterm paper, wandered through the basement labyrinth and found himself on the doorstep of the sleeping monster. The student was immediately surrounded by a brood of Pendragonites, and torn limb from limb by artistic, expressionistic, holistic and linguistic perfection. Although Geneva Security is still trying to clear the Smaug of confusion surrounding the case, Cupboard insiders were able to interview a few of the players. One Pendragon worker to remain unnamed stated, “I have seen many a weary night e’er since I had experienced the sweet victory of red ink on paper. I suppose that’s the thrill of minimum wage.” Dennis Damazo, head of Geneva Security, described his initial sight of the crime scene, “When I first got there I really didn’t understand the severity of the attack. Besides the slew of mutilated parchment, the workers were literally in a state of joyful hysteria. I hope for my sake and the rest of the student body that this will be my last trip to that murky basement lair.”
According to Neil Best, Director of Resident Life, no legal action will be taken against the Pendragonites. “You simply have to know the rules of engagement on a small campus like this. In principle, I tend to place the blame on the student’s RA. It’s just unacceptable for him not to relay this vital information to his floor mates.” This unfortunate mishap will hopefully serve as a warning to the rest of campus for the future. In the words of senior engineering student Oliver Onufer: “It’s plain and simple, friends don’t let friends go to the Pendragon.”

Summer 2012 Campus Renovations Include Beaver Riverside Resort

Beaver Falls- Geneva College has officially released the preliminary campus building plans to be

accomplished over summer break including a beach house to be placed adjacent to the rugby

field on the Beaver River. While multiple renovations are to take place campus wide, the

“Riverside Resort” has come with the most surprise and undoubtedly the most anticipation.

Senior, Melody Michaelson told the Cabinet, “There is nothing more thrilling than taking a dip in

water that thick, but there has never been a good place to do it. I call it ‘mystery water,’ what

more could you ask for?” The plans for the beach area are simply to keep the existing broken

dock in place and fill in the surrounding area with soil taken from the bottom of the river to

prohibit plant growth in the beach area and to provide a “natural look” to the existing bank. As

part of Geneva’s Go Green initiative, the beach house will be made with aluminum cans and

signs, waterlogged boards, tin roofing, various shards of glass, and rusty nails all taken directly

from the river. For the casual swimmer, Nurse Connie will be on duty to provide any needed

Band-aids, Tetanus shots and boosters, tourniquets, and diarrheal medicine. However, there are

alternative activities for those less physically inclined; with the couches and various furniture

found in the river not used directly in the interior decorating of the resort, students will be able to

participate in “couch floating.” Upon presentation of a valid current Geneva Student I.D.,

students will be able to rent their favorite ottoman or love seat to float from Geneva’s campus

directly to a landing at the merge in the Ohio River in Rochester. Other activities include games

such as “Is that a Fish?” and “River Trash Bingo.” Plans are already in motion to start the project

by late May and should be completed by the time students return for Fall semester 2012.

Freshman attendance dwindles as campus tours include smokers gazebo

Beaver Falls - Since the fall of 2011, Geneva College has experienced a decline in attendance. It

is with many grievances that The Cupboard reveals these problems have seemed to roll-over

into the 2012 Freshman enrollment as well. Geneva has gone to interesting measures

(elimination of off-campus living, rise in tuition cost etc.) to ensure the college can stay afloat in

these difficult economic times. However, with the number of deposits from prospectives

students down this spring, the admissions department has gone to all new heights in attempts to

raise attendance.

After surface digging on the subject, our insiders unearthed evidence that throughout the

month of February, campus tours included the smoker’s gazebo to try to reach a new

demographic of prospectives. To aid in the gazebo recruitment process, admissions also

revealed plans of vamping up the gazebo’s public image by circling it with a smoker’s garden.

As expected, this “interesting” PR move for the college was met with mixed feelings from

the community. Student tour guide Sean Kleckner spoke on the topic, “I strongly disagree with

the decision and feel it is not in the college’s best interest to advocate this as one of our selling

points.” However, in a passing interview with Dave Leyton, the Dean of Enrollment weighed into

the discussion with a mere “it’s whatever”. In support of the move, the railing of the gazebo

stated, “One last buzz to keep me sane, one last cigarette to ease the pain.”

Insiders report the desperate move was nixed over spring break as literally not a single

prospective seemed interested in the proclaimed “hipster garden.” Also, one tour guide to remain

unnamed stated, “I saw some interesting leaves in that garden, and I don’t think they were maple

leaves, eh.” Moving forward, the admissions department is open to new ideas and physical plant

is taking workers at limited pay to paint the gazebo and cut the “weeds” in the surrounding area.