Rumor Has It: Geneva’s Time Capsule contains Cal Hubert’s Remains

In the history of Geneva College, two people have gained legitimate recognition on the national

stage of athletics.  And no we aren’t talking about NCCCCC(CC)AA All-Americans.  We’re

talking about the pro’s.  The first is Cal Hubbard and the second is Joe Namath, and he didn’t

even wear a Geneva uniform.  Wait, who was that first guy?  If you don’t know, Google him or go

down to Metheny Fieldhouse and open your eyes.  Now, I know you are still recovering from that

first epiphany, but I must alert you to another.  Put the controller down, close the bag of chips,

and run down to Old Main and check out the plaque on the rock in the garden facing the Student

Center.  I’ll time you.

Welcome back.  Somewhere beneath that earthen mass lies the Geneva Time Capsule, and

somewhere inside that time capsule are treasures unknown.  Rumors have been flying around

for years about the contents of the time capsule.  Senior student Micah Yarger stated, “What’s

the time capsule?” while Freshman Matt Moore, “shied from the camera upon questioning”.

Clearly, its been a hot-button issue.  However, in recent weeks rumors of an entirely different

magnitude have been brought to the surface.  According to our inside sources, an unnamed

Brigadoon worker found an anonymous tip on a napkin sometime last week stating the

possibility of Cal Hubbard’s cremated remains being sealed in the capsule.  Upon further

investigation, our reporters spoke to the coroner involved in the autopsy.  “Yeah....we kind of just

lost track of that body.  Things were a lot different down there in the 70’s”, senior coroner Isaac

Milford stated in an interview.

So, let’s lay out the facts.

1.   Geneva has a time capsule

2.   Cal Hubbard’s body was potentially never officially cremated

3.   President Smith has a Cal Hubbard jersey in his closet

Now, without much of an investigative background, even a novice Clue player can connect Mrs.

Peacock with the crowbar in the kitchen on this one.  Is there a legitimate possibility that the time

capsule contains more than just a few twinkies?  Is there really meat to this argument that the

legend, Cal Hubbard, could be buried in the garden of Old Main?

In response to this investigation, Beaver Falls police have ordered an excavation of the site.

The capsule will be unearthed during Spring Break and the mystery hopefully resolved.  Joe

Namath stated in response to the allegations, “Hey, if it’s true that would be pretty gnarly.

Hopefully, there’s room for two in their once my clock expires.”  If rumor turns to reality, Geneva

could be the birthplace of college basketball and the final resting place of double hall-of-famer

Cal “One-Eye” Hubbard.

Geneva’s HVZ to Include Real Tranquilizer Guns

        In a move that has been expected for some time, Student Activities has decided to issue tranquilizer guns to those participating in Geneva’s Humans vs Zombies.  This is directly in response to the increasing accounts of Zombies that have been resorting to cheating over the last two annual events.  “We have become aware that Zombies have not been sitting out the allotted 15 minutes after being struck with a Nerf dart or sock,” shares Michael Cooper, founder of Geneva’s HVZ initiative.  “By putting the correct doses in each tranquilizer dart, we can ensure that Zombies will lie incapacitated for the full 15 minutes, embracing the shame that comes with being shot.”  When confronted about the safety regulations, President Dean Smith stated that “the integrity of game, as well as of our school, is more important to us than the potential injuries that may occur.”  He also added that if it were up to him, real guns would be used to make the game even more realistic and “totally awesome.”  However, Geneva cannot afford to have enrollment go down because of dying students, so the tranquilizer idea was a solid alternative.

Student Arranges Psalm to tune of “Baby”

Beaver Falls- In wake of the recent success of student arranged Psalm singing in chapel and the inspirational Psalm sang months ago to the tune “House of the Rising Sun,” music major Ian Taylor has arraigned and written Psalm 57 to fit the tune “Baby” made famous by esteemed artist Justin Bieber and Ludacris. “It’s a way of bridging gaps,” comments David Smith, head of music professor and chapel worship leader, “I have always been a fan of Justin, and while I do not always care for his lyrics, I really digs his beats. They are very catchy.”
The Chapel committee has been in search of ways to include more student creativity and participation within the chapel experience, including bringing students on stage to awkwardly answer questions from a book’s author about how good it was and robotically mumble through hip new collects taken from obscure books or speakers.  Pop-Psalm crossovers appear to be the next step with arrangements of Psalm 13 in the tune of “Moves Like Jagger” by Maroon 5 and Psalm 72 in the tune of “Party Rock Anthem,” by LMFAO in the process of arrangement by various students. The new arrangements are to be sung as soon as spring break commences.

Tornado’s Warned for Tornado Warnings

The Geneva College Athletic Department has been under scrutiny from the College Board after they were issued an official warning from the National Weather Service (NWS) earlier this week in regards to the weekly Tornado Warnings announced before various sporting events.
In a press conference on February 28, a thin, sweaty representative from the NWS gave this statement: “Geneva college has no authority to warn anyone of any weather related event, and my department has officially warned them to stop warning others of tornado's. That is literally my only job description.”
The athletic department met this censure with a disappointed but respectful tone: “Tornadoes have been a source of unrelenting strife through Geneva’s history. Our mascot is a truly horrifying tornado, but the Athletic Department will no longer be able to issue tornado warnings before any Football games or any other sporting events. These are sad times” - Dr. Kim Gall of the Geneva Athletics.
Basketball Forward Lambros Savingos told us, “I believe that this warning will really affect the intimidation factor for our entire athletic department. Our opponents were genuinely scared most of time when they heard about the tornado warning, and would consistently check their weather channel apps during timeouts and halftime. I would attribute at least thirty percent of our home game wins to the warnings.”
The College Board could not be reached for a statement, so we asked the student intern, “[We] are just really busy lately, there are a lot of papers to shred and the coffee pot won’t fill itself.”

Resident Life Informs Faculty and Staff They Can No Longer Live Off Campus

        A surprise move by Geneva College’s Resident Life will force not only all full time students attending Geneva to live in on-campus housing, but all of the faculty and staff as well.  In the past few years, rules have become stricter on how many students can live off campus, numbers reaching record lows in the current academic school year.  Statistics taken at the beginning of this semester have shown that there are a total of 82 vacant rooms (and closets) throughout the campus, including the entire Memorial Hall.
“It wasn’t until mid-January when I realized that I was the only person living in Memorial,” says Joseph Cirelli, Resident Director of Memorial Hall. “I simply believed that the students were finally respecting quiet hours.”
Naturally, Geneva professors have begun to protest the school’s decision.  Dr. Ralph Ancil, an Economics professor, was beside himself when he was told that he would have to live on campus for the rest of his teaching career at Geneva.  “This is absolutely absurd,” Ancil sulked to Cupboard interviewers.  “For 2 to 6 hours a day I am forced to surround myself with human beings of such an inferior intellect to my own that it literally has given me health issues.”
Yet not every faculty member mimics these feelings.  Professor Terry Thomas, a Bible professor known to many students for his unconventional teaching methods and humorous attitude, is excited for the opportunity to spend more time with students in an informal setting.  “I’ve been so excited thinking up pranks I’m going to pull on students in the dorms that I’ve been unusually late for a few classes,” Thomas giggled.  Not all faculty members echo this sentiment.
The new rules will apply for the 2012-2013 school year.  Faculty and staff will have the opportunity to live together in dorm rooms and apartment buildings.  Once all dorms fill up they will be placed in apartments with students under the “Plus-1” initiative.

Student Activities Announces March Movie of the Month: Saw III

In an effort to appeal to a larger student target audience, Geneva College’s Student Activities department has announced its latest installment of the “Movie of the Month” series for the month of March to be Darren Lynn Bousman’s Saw III. Student Activities has found recent success in the variety of programs and events offered on Geneva’s campus over weekends, but has failed to reach every demographic of the student body. “It’s really hard to make everyone happy,” says Jeremy Shen, Senior and member of Student Activities, “We thought we would shake things up a bit; I get the feeling that my Tornado Vision sign-offs just aren’t edgy enough.” The determination for the next movie installment in April will inevitably depend on the success of the March event and will be chosen from a list comprising of Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus, Schindler’s List, or a bootlegged copy of the upcoming movie Party X. Saw III is set to be shown at 8pm Friday March 24, in Jack White Chapel.

HUM 103 Adds Tim Tebow Twitter Account to Reader

To familiarize students with practical ways of integrating faith and culture in even the most ‘secular’ arenas of society, the Humanities department has decided to add a new unit to the Fall 2012 schedule. In deviation from the traditional 60’s unit familiar to most upperclassmen, The Geneva College Humanities program plans to institute a “Current Events” unit that will include writings of modern philosophers, politicians, and celebrities; most notably, Tim Tebow.  “In the wake of the NFL season, proclaimed ‘Tebow Mania’, and the emergence of other Christian Athletes such as Jeremy Lin to the national stage, the ideas of evangelism and holistic world views in popular culture have never been more relevant” says Humanities Professor Eric Miller.
While many other celebrities and politicians’ writings will make up the new reader in the coming years, all attention is being placed on Tebow at the moment. Similar to his career as NFL quarterback, the blame for the outcome of this experimental unit will undoubtedly fall again on Mr. Tebow. Student reactions are mixed. “There is no way that Tebow will be able to sustain success in HUM 103. It is too academically challenging, and his writing form and thought processes are just too undeveloped. Sure, maybe that kind of class set-up with Tebow’s Twitter works in high school, but this is college now, and you can’t get by with just heart or good intentions”, protests Sophomore Michael Badzik.   “[Tim’s] twitter is unorthodox, granted,” comment senior student Kyle Potter, “but it simply gets the job done. What does writing form, syntax, or grammar matter when you are successfully getting your point across? Everyone knows his intro and body paragraphs are suspect, but he really brings it home with the conclusion.” Before the semester begins, each student will be required to follow Tebow’s twitter account. For those students unable or unwilling to follow the Denver Broncos’ quarterback via a personalized twitter account, a link to the site will be provided on blackboard.