MRS
degrees used to be the butt of self-conscious jokes: now they are the lynchpin
of Geneva College’s new program. To remedy the graduating class’s steadily
rising rate of unluckiness in love, Geneva is offering the option of
college-arranged marriages to all seniors.
“Grove
City College is known for its near-guarantee of matrimonial bliss by senior
year,” says Ken Smith, president of Geneva College. “Frankly, our lack of the
same guarantee is just starting to look embarrassing.”
Seniors can register for the program
in the fall or spring semester. They will take a one-credit class that prepares
them for married life, and at graduation they will be presented with their new
spouse. For a small additional fee, Geneva offers the use of The College Hill
Reformed Presbyterian Church, a pastor, and a reception catered by the best
Alexander Dining Hall will offer. For couples planning a honeymoon, Geneva also
offers the option of attending a seminar on their wedding night, entitled
“Student Loans and You: Your New Relationship with the Federal Government.”
Couples unable to afford the cost of
marriage can have their relationship subsidized by the Reformed Presbyterian
denomination by promising to raise their firstborn child in the Reformed
Presbyterian faith.
“We hope that offering this
certainty and stability will both allow our current students to sleep better at
night and attract prospective students from more diverse demographics,
including those who are socially awkward, extremely conservative, and looking
for a life of middle-class steadiness. Unfortunately,” Dr Ken Smith added, "we already have all the college-age Reformed
Presbyterians.”
“We hope that the new program will further accomplish our mission of teaching irresponsible young people to become independent and accountable adults by telling them exactly what to do,” Dr Ken Smith concluded by saying. “If our long-term plan works out, we should be seeing a major influx of students by somewhere around 2031.”
“We hope that the new program will further accomplish our mission of teaching irresponsible young people to become independent and accountable adults by telling them exactly what to do,” Dr Ken Smith concluded by saying. “If our long-term plan works out, we should be seeing a major influx of students by somewhere around 2031.”
