Geneva Fall Sports, Keys to a Successful Season

Football

• Give up no more than 52 points a game
•  Move every defensive player to safety to help get individual tackle stats up.
• Yell more. On the side line, the weight room, around campus, during chapel, whatever gets you pumped up
• Wear deeper cut off’s. Intimidate the opponents with well defined obliques

Women's Tennis

• Keep your sport a secret from the general campus
• Practice during little bat games to increase ball awareness
• Practice accuracy by aiming for dry spots on court

Men’s Soccer

• Get Jake McCracken back for a 6th straight year
• Keep up that “ooh” thing, everyone on campus thinks it isn’t annoying at all

Cheerleading

• Nothing, this article is about fall Sports.

Women’s Soccer Team

• Get a boyfriend on the boys soccer team
• Break the flag football attendance record
• Beg the Mann family to have more children

Cross Country

• Pace yourself by starting off fast, going fast in the middle, then finishing fast...I don’t know why more people don’t do that
• Switch the short shorts with a stylish set of jeggings
• Buy roller-skates and attach a rope to Nick Edinger’s jersey when he isn’t looking

Volleyball

•       Create a cheer for every aspect of everyday life
•       Switch Deanna Briody to inside hitter, they’ll never see it coming
•       Blind the opposing team’s setter with the glare from the PAC championship plaque

Fly like a G-6

Beaver Falls- Another year, another bulging freshman class to fill campus with fresh faces and fresh giant lanyards. In response to this influx of new students on Geneva’s tightly packed campus, Resident Life has decided to revamp its momentously successful program instituted 2 years ago when faced with a similar housing dilemma. To accommodate such a large incoming class, Geneva has decided to modify the G-3 program where freshman students would share a 200 square foot dorm room with two other roommates so that each room could accommodate up to 6 incoming students.  The new program, G-6 is set to go into full effect in the Fall of 2013 and should only effect current freshman and sophomores.  With the denial of off campus housing for well established, accomplished upperclassman who will be entering the workforce in less than a year, the space has become even tighter. Geneva’s small campus limits the options for Resident Life’s current dilemma and it appears that Geneva is forced to cram as many students as possible into dorms. “There are simply no other options,” sighed Neil Best, Director of Resident Life, seemingly resigned to the inevitable fate "We were originally going to go with G5, letting a small number of upperclassman off [campus], but we figured G6 would attract the hip, pop culture vibe of our campus. What young, 18 year old college freshman wouldn't want to be feeling so fly like a G6?".

        While the program is not set to be instituted for a year, details are already being worked out. To ensure that all furniture will fit inside each room, Geneva is not only preparing triple bunked beds, but is also constructing a system of triple bunked desks and chairs in the spirit of "mega-desk" to maximize the vertical component of each airy room.

         Resident Life knows that the new accommodations could lead to some minimal special discomfort, especially for those freshmen whom have never had to live in a cramped room with multiple strangers for an extended period of time. “We are hoping that the tight spaces and stringent rooming options will encourage some freshman to leave on fall break and not return.” said Best, “That will free up some space for the real Geneva faithful, the ‘Frozen Chosen,’ and keep our class numbers to a reasonable figure.”

         Fortunately for upperclassmen, Resident Life is looking into a new program that will involve leasing portions of the rugby field for students to build their own shanty, lean-to, or similar makeshift structure. This new project would still maintain all of the leadership staff provided in other buildings only under new titles (e.g. Resident Director becomes Resident Mayor of Shanty Town or RMST, etc.) Desperate times call for desperate measures, but as the saying goes: “sometime the best solutions are the most complex and onerously contrived solutions”….or something like that. 

Geneva College Adds Arranged Marriage Option for Single Seniors

MRS degrees used to be the butt of self-conscious jokes: now they are the lynchpin of Geneva College’s new program. To remedy the graduating class’s steadily rising rate of unluckiness in love, Geneva is offering the option of college-arranged marriages to all seniors.

“Grove City College is known for its near-guarantee of matrimonial bliss by senior year,” says Ken Smith, president of Geneva College. “Frankly, our lack of the same guarantee is just starting to look embarrassing.”

            Seniors can register for the program in the fall or spring semester. They will take a one-credit class that prepares them for married life, and at graduation they will be presented with their new spouse. For a small additional fee, Geneva offers the use of The College Hill Reformed Presbyterian Church, a pastor, and a reception catered by the best Alexander Dining Hall will offer. For couples planning a honeymoon, Geneva also offers the option of attending a seminar on their wedding night, entitled “Student Loans and You: Your New Relationship with the Federal Government.”

            Couples unable to afford the cost of marriage can have their relationship subsidized by the Reformed Presbyterian denomination by promising to raise their firstborn child in the Reformed Presbyterian faith.

            “We hope that offering this certainty and stability will both allow our current students to sleep better at night and attract prospective students from more diverse demographics, including those who are socially awkward, extremely conservative, and looking for a life of middle-class steadiness. Unfortunately,” Dr Ken Smith added, "we already have all the college-age Reformed Presbyterians.”


“We hope that the new program will further accomplish our mission of teaching irresponsible young people to become independent and accountable adults by telling them exactly what to do,” Dr Ken Smith concluded by saying. “If our long-term plan works out, we should be seeing a major influx of students by somewhere around 2031.”

Ken Smith Ensnared by Addicting Social Media

           After reaching over 600 friends on Facebook in less than a month, Ken Smith has joined millions of teenagers, creepers, and ______ around the world that are addicted to social media.
           “At first I looked at the Facebook thing as a cool way to connect with my students,” commented Smith, while tagging pictures and updating his status on twitter. “Now I’m hooked.”  In the past week, Smith has joined Twitter, Formspring, Myspace, Xanga, LinkedIn, Google+, DeviantArt, LiveJournal, Skype, Oovoo, Badoo, eHarmony, Youtube, Tagged, Orkut, Flickr, Digg, Stumbleupon, Yelp, Kaboodle, Fark, and IMDB.
           With new networks popping up everyday, Smith believes he will move onto a “hipper” scene within the next two to four years.  “The more popular I get, the less time I will have for the more menial things in my life,” Smith shares, laughing at a viral Youtube video of a baby monkey riding on a pig, baby monkey.  “I can’t possibly run a school when xxBeastmode23 keeps starting tweet battles with me.”

Geneva To Learn How to Spell Handbook

Beaver Falls - On Tuesday, March 20th, almost 7 months since the start of the 2011-2012 academic year, the Student Development office made the realization that their mass-produced student handbook has “Handbook” spelled incorrectly.
Dr. Mike Loomis, Dean of Student Development, was confronted by Cupboard reporters mid-afternoon on Tuesday and handed an issue of the “Hanbook.”  “What is this?” Loomis questioned, aghast at such an obvious error.  “Please tell me this is only copy with this mistake on it.”
Unfortunately, over 1400 copies of the Student Handbook have been issued to students this year.  A recent poll shares that over 75% of students had also overlooked the lack of the letter “d.”  Of that 75%, an astonishing 12% admitted to having looked at the handbook more than once.
           “I really don’t’ think it’s fair that we are graded so intently on our grammar in our classes, while Geneva is mass-producing the guide to our entire education with a misspelled word in bold, size 76 font”,  says Emily Bestor, a Senior English Major.
           While many annoyed English majors share this belief, the majority of students find it to be “downright comical.” Many have claimed to have read through the entire handbook just to see if they can find more errors.
           Student Development plans to cover up their mistake by passing the error off as a test to see if anyone actually cares about or uses the handbook.

2012 Raised tution money goes directly to student activities “candy and random food handouts” account

Beaver Falls- With a lawsuit on the horizon coupled with an abnormally small freshman class, it came as no surprise to the Geneva community when the returning students received a letter informing them that there will be a rise in tuition cost starting next year in excess of 500 dollars per semester.

On Wednesday March 21, the Student Activities office on campus announced that the money will go directly into their “candy and random food handouts” account. “We couldn’t be more excited,” added Ryan Holt, director of student activities on campus, “We have been working hard to work for the students and provide for their random food cravings as much as we can. There is only so many cans of pop, candy bars, and cotton candy you can hand out at any one event. We have been trying to appease the student body by handing out copious amounts of Wendy’s Frosties and Oram’s Doughnuts, but we didn’t have the money we needed for a consistent welfare system.”

The excitement around campus was tangible. Music Business Major Matt Neal could not keep his hysterics under wraps, “Yes I’m a senior, but I have to come back for a 5th year now! Sure we could use that money for new equipment in various departments, air conditioning in old main, or stocking the food service with better weekend foods, but who needs that when you can get free candy?”  In the wake of this joyous announcement, Students Activities have officially adopted the motto “Bring me your tired, your weary, your hungry, your overweight, and I will give them diabetes.”

Rumor has it: Creepy Old Man Lives in Bell Tower

    Since the invention of the church bell and its use as a time keeper, there has been a necessity for one man to ring those blessed bells. A need for one man to embrace as his calling the responsibility of alerting the masses the time of day. As we have read in Victor Hugo’s writing and Disney’s intriguing adaptations of his book, this job literally requires every minute of a man’s life. The vocation of bell ringer came with meager wage but much responsibility. Without the bell ringer, nations from centuries past would have only the sun and its placement in the sky  on which to rely.
    However, as time passes and civilization advances, some jobs have evolved and have been overtaken by the technology of a new age. Slowly over the 19th and 20th century, cathedrals, libraries, and all other bell tower locations moved from the stone age into this age of technology, and with this change came the elimination of the bell ringer.....in most cases.
    Over the past 50 years, rumors about the McCartney bell tower at Geneva College still having a bell ringer have periodically surfaced. In an interview with English professor Dr. Haas, he stated, “I’m not saying I’ve seen shadows moving around in the windows of the bell tower, and I’m not saying I smoked my pipe with an elderly gentleman on the top of the bell tower just last week. I’m not saying that on record. What was the question again?”
    To strengthen this argument, communication professor Pete Croisant lent to the conversation, “I used to spend a lot of time in the tower in the 1930’s. There was a man who rung the bell and lived up there. I think people call him Quasinado. I guess its a mix between Quasimodo and tornado. Who knows if he’s still up there though.”
So let’s lay out the facts:
1. There used to be a bell ringer nick-named Quasinado in McCartney Library
2. Based on Dr. Haas’ testimony, he could still inhabit the tower
3. President Smith owns an autographed copy of Victor Hugo’s “Hunchback of Notre Dame”
    Now, based on these facts, is there really a legitimate chance that an old hermit lives in the bell tower and rings the bell every quarter of an hour? It seems unrealistic but who can give testimony to something to the contrary? Clearly, more research must be done before a verdict can be made, but if rumor turns to reality, add Quasinado to the secrets and folklore surrounding McCartney library. In conclusion, The Cupboard will be giving a monetary prize to any Geneva student who can bring legitimate evidence toward the revelation of Quasinado, a hero who is stretching the very limits of the “everything is spiritual” calling and vocation doctrine of Geneva.

Statistics show homework 50% harder with chapel lights off

In a recent study conducted by the chapel committee, the newly implemented “dark chapel” has produced multiple changes in student behavior. Our insiders report, that with the dim lighting throughout the gym, and the sky spotlight placed directly over the chapel speaker there have been many noticeable changes in the chapel atmosphere. Among the most prominent statistics released in the study, students attempting to read for their upcoming humanities class at 11:15, study for their 1:25 micro economics exam, complete their dynamics homework, and finish the third book in the Hunger Games series, find their efforts 50% more difficult. The study also brought favorable results in other fields: The chapel speakers were deemed 130% more angelic in appearance with the glowing aura of the overhead spotlight. In addition, students were 34% less likely to blame their silence during the closing psalm on the words being too hard to read. Every 6 on the Geneva scale was immediately upgraded to a 7, and Bible App reading was increased by 100% (from 1 to 2, David Smith just bought an iPhone).  Every statistic, however, did not work out in the favor of the chapel committee. 75% more students were caught falling asleep (a number that may have been higher if the statistician had not taken a nap with 5 minutes to go.) Angry Birds and Words with Friends playing increased by 30%, and balding speakers can only be looked at for 10 seconds at a time before there is permanent damage to the retina. Despite these negative results, the chapel committee is well pleased with the results and will continue to think of ways to change chapel to distract students from endlessly complaining about exclusive psalmody again.

Golden Snitch: Geneva selects super-student to hand out parking tickets

Between relaxing in the field house and driving aimlessly around campus, the Geneva Security department has it’s hands full. Because of this, they have partnered with student development to begin an interesting new form of student employment. Cupboard insiders, researching the topic for the past few months, have discovered that certain “super-students” are now being employed in a commission based system to hand out parking tickets to the endless amount of illegally parked cars around the campus.
    This intriguing move by both Geneva and its security department has been met with serious negativity throughout the student body. Senior football player Tyler Jodon remarked to our reporters, “This college seems to feel the need to breed hapless snitches.” Now upon further research into a word that escapes our elementary vocabulary, the word “snitch” has been defined.
    According to Merriam Webster’s www.urbandictionary.com, an internet site as credible and majestic as Wikipedia, snitch can be defined as, “Someone who gives up incriminating evidence to people they have no business talking to in the first place.” This interesting view of the super-student coalition is mirrored by much of the student body.
    However, whether or not these super-students are appreciated is null and void according to security guard #2, “If you park illegally, you deserve to be ticketed. Also, if you are one of those rebels out there with over twenty tickets to your name, it’s not that we don’t know who you are-its that we are waiting ‘til the day before your graduation to slam you with a 1000$ fine.”
    No super-students were willing to interview on the topic, however; student development has hinted that prefect badges and laminated lanyards have been discussed for future super-students.
BREAKING NEWS: Further research from our tireless insiders has revealed there is actually a legitimate chance that this story is true. The horrors of the possible reality of this story could have devastating implications for the future and jeopardize the parody and fictional reality of “The Cupboard”. For now we’re keeping our fingers crossed, and our permit-less cars parked on main roads and out of the creeper lot.
In lesser news, physical plant is hiring on a commission based system to pick up the tickets that students remove from their cars and distribute about the campus lawns.

Physical Plant Proposes Sidewalk Addition

The Geneva College Maintenance Department unveiled its new construction plans for summer 2012. They are to include a several additional permanent walkways on campus, and plan to have this project completed by the time students return for classes in the fall.

The released this statement on Wednesday read: “As part of the ongoing campus beautification and betterment projects we will be constructing more walkways.” They went on to report that at least 10 new walkways will be added to the existing structure of sidewalks.

Student reaction to the Physical Plant’s Statement was entirely positive. Rachel Kuegler is quotes saying, “That is the best idea I have heard from the college community in a long time. It is about time we had more sidewalks on campus.” Says Junior Tom Baker, “I absolutely cannot stand walking on grass and I will gladly pay more tuition money next year so I will never have too.”

The College assured its patrons that enrollment costs will not go up for next year. Upon further investigation however it was revealed that there are several ideas being debated about how to fund this massive project. They ranged from tollbooths that accept meal swipes to cutting intramural sports.

“The Geneva College community is ready for this level of change and we will see it through to the end” -President Ken Smith. This campus-wide sidewalk project is only the first stage in the “Age of Concrete” plan proposed by the physical plant to add over 50 new concrete structures by 2020 including concrete stares, planters, and a statue of John Calvin playing little bat. 

In recent tests, the coffee offered to students free of charge in McCartney Library contains approximately 73 % coffee, with the composition of the other 27% of the liquid belonging to various substances. In CHM 232, Quantitative Analytical Chemistry’s latest lab, students were required to analyze the chemical makeup of various common liquids. One student, wishing to remain anonymous, analyzed the brake down of chemicals and other substances and posted the pie chart shown in the lab report. 

While few of these chemicals are physically harmful, students have shown concern over the alcohol content of both Egg Nog and Sake. Plans have been made to remove both alcoholic beverages as soon as possible, “Yeah, I’ll get right on that,” commented Kyle Brenneman, Reference-Instruction Librarian, “I have a lot of books to put back first, but, yeah, I’ll definitely work on that.” The chemistry department is currently undergoing experiments to test the shower water in Pearce basement as well as the Brigadoon’s hazelnut coffee and Alexander Hall’s supply of Lemon-Lime Vitamin Water.

Alex’s Experiments with “Plateless Wednesday”

It is common knowledge for everyone that goes to Geneva College’s Alexander Dining Hall that, as of this year, the cafeteria has removed its trays in order to “go green or something.” Approval ratings for the Trayless initiative reached a record high last month, as over 12% of students now believe it is a good idea. Due to these overwhelming statistics, Alexander Dining Hall management decided to implement an experimental decision to become more environmentally aware and cost effective.
On Wednesday, March 14th, “Plateless Wednesday” was conducted during dinner in the cafeteria. “This go green thing seems to be pretty simple,” stated Clayton Cappellanti, Director of Food Services. “you just stop using certain things. We’ve already eliminated hair nets from our monthly budget as well.” Wednesday’s dinner menu of spaghetti, with side options of soup or chili, was a perfect meal to test out the Plateless movement that has been sweeping the nation’s cafeterias. Kids could be seen walking with ample amounts of spaghetti in their hands, then dumping it on the table before returning to scoop up some chili or soup.
“I finally feel as though I’m making a difference,” commented Kevin Martinez, an avid go-green enthusiast. “I feel like I’m saving the environment, one hand full at a time.”
However, approximately 88% of the student body feels otherwise. Jacob Bruker, a junior at Geneva College, finds himself in an awkward situation without a plate. “I was born with abnormally small hands,” he said, as he wiped his chilied hands down his clean white T. “I took 27 trips back and forth to get a sufficient amount of spaghetti today. It’s just not fair.”
The implementation of a permanently Plateless Alex’s may be in place as soon as fall of 2012. “Plateless is the new trayless,” states Cappellanti. “We just have to figure out when it will be the right time for full implementation. With 12% approval, that time could be soon.”

Student Collapses after 63rd Lap Around Gym

Danial Replogle, a Geneva College student enrolled in a 100-level Physical Fitness course, passed out

after his 63rd lap around the gym in Geneva’s Metheny Field House.  Geneva physical fitness

professors have used the relatively small indoor gym to facilitate its mile-run testing since 1988,

when it was decided that having kids run lap after lap was simply “hilarious.”  On Tuesday,

sophomore Danial Replogle had the goal of being the fastest runner in his class of 14.

“I felt really good for the first 40 laps,” he recalls from his hospital bed, new IV fluid freshly

attached.  “Somewhere around lap 55 my body started to shut down.”

Despite his heroic efforts, Replogle had his dream crushed as he blacked out

towards the end of lap 63, a mere 27 laps short of 1 mile. Fortunately for the class, the

absence of a clear lesson plan should generate many more opportunities for the mindless

circle running embraced by students.

Football Team Sits Still Through Entire Chapel

Beaver Falls- The air was full of electricity and excitement Wednesday afternoon after the

chapel service concluded in an uninterrupted prayer by the visiting chapel speaker. As the

eloquent speaker concluded, the usual scuffling of homework papers, the shuffling of students

putting on coats, and the squeak of bleachers as students stand in the stage right top corner of

the gym, was mysteriously absent. While the right corner of the chapel is usually represented by

less than 50% of the football team, the corner has unofficially been labeled the “football corner.”

While only this fraction of the team directly represents the courageous and perseverant right

corner, the success of the football corner’s self discipline is, some say unfairly, attributed to the

entire team despite their distribution throughout the rest of the student body.

The commendable actions by the brave students, however, did not go unnoticed: “It was

a testament to the respect they have for authority,” stated the chapel speaker, “At most

institutions I speak at, I am accustomed to spit balls, passed notes, and students leaving in the

middle of my talk, but the discipline shown by these students to not even walk towards the door

during my closing thoughts was exemplary.”

The reaction of the majority of the student body was that of celebration and admiration,

but some could not help but feel distracted by the notable silence. Senior Monica Miller, and

regular chapel attendee stated, “It was eerie. I think I subconsciously tune out the background

noise during the closing prayer. It was like a fan while you sleep; you notice it more when it is off

than when it is running. I find their respectfulness incredibly distracting.” Other critics have

stated that the football corner’s dedication to sitting still should not be applicable to the entire

chapel schedule, including the singing of Psalms; they claim that the reverence accredited to the

bowed heads at the end of the prayer should, in fact, be attributed to sleep, given the open

mouths and drooling by multiple students. These critics, however, are in the minority and the

bulk of campus, including professors, commemorated this momentous achievement by the

cancellation of 11:15 classes to join in the campus wide celebration.

Student body found in Pendragon lair

Beaver Falls - McCartney Library, Geneva’s historic library built in 1930, holds many secrets. From the 3rd floor annals to the rusted sliding racks of the basement Media Center, the library is laced with history of years gone by. However, the Pendragon, Geneva’s writing center, is known to the majority of the student body as a place where, in the words of Dr. Jonathan Watt, “no man shall trod and live to tell his tale”. However, this past week, one poor, unfortunate soul made a mistake that cost him dearly.
According to our insiders, Wednesday morning, March 14th, a transfer Freshman, merely looking for help with his thesis statement and comma placement on a midterm paper, wandered through the basement labyrinth and found himself on the doorstep of the sleeping monster. The student was immediately surrounded by a brood of Pendragonites, and torn limb from limb by artistic, expressionistic, holistic and linguistic perfection. Although Geneva Security is still trying to clear the Smaug of confusion surrounding the case, Cupboard insiders were able to interview a few of the players. One Pendragon worker to remain unnamed stated, “I have seen many a weary night e’er since I had experienced the sweet victory of red ink on paper. I suppose that’s the thrill of minimum wage.” Dennis Damazo, head of Geneva Security, described his initial sight of the crime scene, “When I first got there I really didn’t understand the severity of the attack. Besides the slew of mutilated parchment, the workers were literally in a state of joyful hysteria. I hope for my sake and the rest of the student body that this will be my last trip to that murky basement lair.”
According to Neil Best, Director of Resident Life, no legal action will be taken against the Pendragonites. “You simply have to know the rules of engagement on a small campus like this. In principle, I tend to place the blame on the student’s RA. It’s just unacceptable for him not to relay this vital information to his floor mates.” This unfortunate mishap will hopefully serve as a warning to the rest of campus for the future. In the words of senior engineering student Oliver Onufer: “It’s plain and simple, friends don’t let friends go to the Pendragon.”

Summer 2012 Campus Renovations Include Beaver Riverside Resort

Beaver Falls- Geneva College has officially released the preliminary campus building plans to be

accomplished over summer break including a beach house to be placed adjacent to the rugby

field on the Beaver River. While multiple renovations are to take place campus wide, the

“Riverside Resort” has come with the most surprise and undoubtedly the most anticipation.

Senior, Melody Michaelson told the Cabinet, “There is nothing more thrilling than taking a dip in

water that thick, but there has never been a good place to do it. I call it ‘mystery water,’ what

more could you ask for?” The plans for the beach area are simply to keep the existing broken

dock in place and fill in the surrounding area with soil taken from the bottom of the river to

prohibit plant growth in the beach area and to provide a “natural look” to the existing bank. As

part of Geneva’s Go Green initiative, the beach house will be made with aluminum cans and

signs, waterlogged boards, tin roofing, various shards of glass, and rusty nails all taken directly

from the river. For the casual swimmer, Nurse Connie will be on duty to provide any needed

Band-aids, Tetanus shots and boosters, tourniquets, and diarrheal medicine. However, there are

alternative activities for those less physically inclined; with the couches and various furniture

found in the river not used directly in the interior decorating of the resort, students will be able to

participate in “couch floating.” Upon presentation of a valid current Geneva Student I.D.,

students will be able to rent their favorite ottoman or love seat to float from Geneva’s campus

directly to a landing at the merge in the Ohio River in Rochester. Other activities include games

such as “Is that a Fish?” and “River Trash Bingo.” Plans are already in motion to start the project

by late May and should be completed by the time students return for Fall semester 2012.

Freshman attendance dwindles as campus tours include smokers gazebo

Beaver Falls - Since the fall of 2011, Geneva College has experienced a decline in attendance. It

is with many grievances that The Cupboard reveals these problems have seemed to roll-over

into the 2012 Freshman enrollment as well. Geneva has gone to interesting measures

(elimination of off-campus living, rise in tuition cost etc.) to ensure the college can stay afloat in

these difficult economic times. However, with the number of deposits from prospectives

students down this spring, the admissions department has gone to all new heights in attempts to

raise attendance.

After surface digging on the subject, our insiders unearthed evidence that throughout the

month of February, campus tours included the smoker’s gazebo to try to reach a new

demographic of prospectives. To aid in the gazebo recruitment process, admissions also

revealed plans of vamping up the gazebo’s public image by circling it with a smoker’s garden.

As expected, this “interesting” PR move for the college was met with mixed feelings from

the community. Student tour guide Sean Kleckner spoke on the topic, “I strongly disagree with

the decision and feel it is not in the college’s best interest to advocate this as one of our selling

points.” However, in a passing interview with Dave Leyton, the Dean of Enrollment weighed into

the discussion with a mere “it’s whatever”. In support of the move, the railing of the gazebo

stated, “One last buzz to keep me sane, one last cigarette to ease the pain.”

Insiders report the desperate move was nixed over spring break as literally not a single

prospective seemed interested in the proclaimed “hipster garden.” Also, one tour guide to remain

unnamed stated, “I saw some interesting leaves in that garden, and I don’t think they were maple

leaves, eh.” Moving forward, the admissions department is open to new ideas and physical plant

is taking workers at limited pay to paint the gazebo and cut the “weeds” in the surrounding area.