Golden Snitch: Geneva selects super-student to hand out parking tickets

Between relaxing in the field house and driving aimlessly around campus, the Geneva Security department has it’s hands full. Because of this, they have partnered with student development to begin an interesting new form of student employment. Cupboard insiders, researching the topic for the past few months, have discovered that certain “super-students” are now being employed in a commission based system to hand out parking tickets to the endless amount of illegally parked cars around the campus.
    This intriguing move by both Geneva and its security department has been met with serious negativity throughout the student body. Senior football player Tyler Jodon remarked to our reporters, “This college seems to feel the need to breed hapless snitches.” Now upon further research into a word that escapes our elementary vocabulary, the word “snitch” has been defined.
    According to Merriam Webster’s www.urbandictionary.com, an internet site as credible and majestic as Wikipedia, snitch can be defined as, “Someone who gives up incriminating evidence to people they have no business talking to in the first place.” This interesting view of the super-student coalition is mirrored by much of the student body.
    However, whether or not these super-students are appreciated is null and void according to security guard #2, “If you park illegally, you deserve to be ticketed. Also, if you are one of those rebels out there with over twenty tickets to your name, it’s not that we don’t know who you are-its that we are waiting ‘til the day before your graduation to slam you with a 1000$ fine.”
    No super-students were willing to interview on the topic, however; student development has hinted that prefect badges and laminated lanyards have been discussed for future super-students.
BREAKING NEWS: Further research from our tireless insiders has revealed there is actually a legitimate chance that this story is true. The horrors of the possible reality of this story could have devastating implications for the future and jeopardize the parody and fictional reality of “The Cupboard”. For now we’re keeping our fingers crossed, and our permit-less cars parked on main roads and out of the creeper lot.
In lesser news, physical plant is hiring on a commission based system to pick up the tickets that students remove from their cars and distribute about the campus lawns.