Geneva Fall Sports, Keys to a Successful Season

Football

• Give up no more than 52 points a game
•  Move every defensive player to safety to help get individual tackle stats up.
• Yell more. On the side line, the weight room, around campus, during chapel, whatever gets you pumped up
• Wear deeper cut off’s. Intimidate the opponents with well defined obliques

Women's Tennis

• Keep your sport a secret from the general campus
• Practice during little bat games to increase ball awareness
• Practice accuracy by aiming for dry spots on court

Men’s Soccer

• Get Jake McCracken back for a 6th straight year
• Keep up that “ooh” thing, everyone on campus thinks it isn’t annoying at all

Cheerleading

• Nothing, this article is about fall Sports.

Women’s Soccer Team

• Get a boyfriend on the boys soccer team
• Break the flag football attendance record
• Beg the Mann family to have more children

Cross Country

• Pace yourself by starting off fast, going fast in the middle, then finishing fast...I don’t know why more people don’t do that
• Switch the short shorts with a stylish set of jeggings
• Buy roller-skates and attach a rope to Nick Edinger’s jersey when he isn’t looking

Volleyball

•       Create a cheer for every aspect of everyday life
•       Switch Deanna Briody to inside hitter, they’ll never see it coming
•       Blind the opposing team’s setter with the glare from the PAC championship plaque

Fly like a G-6

Beaver Falls- Another year, another bulging freshman class to fill campus with fresh faces and fresh giant lanyards. In response to this influx of new students on Geneva’s tightly packed campus, Resident Life has decided to revamp its momentously successful program instituted 2 years ago when faced with a similar housing dilemma. To accommodate such a large incoming class, Geneva has decided to modify the G-3 program where freshman students would share a 200 square foot dorm room with two other roommates so that each room could accommodate up to 6 incoming students.  The new program, G-6 is set to go into full effect in the Fall of 2013 and should only effect current freshman and sophomores.  With the denial of off campus housing for well established, accomplished upperclassman who will be entering the workforce in less than a year, the space has become even tighter. Geneva’s small campus limits the options for Resident Life’s current dilemma and it appears that Geneva is forced to cram as many students as possible into dorms. “There are simply no other options,” sighed Neil Best, Director of Resident Life, seemingly resigned to the inevitable fate "We were originally going to go with G5, letting a small number of upperclassman off [campus], but we figured G6 would attract the hip, pop culture vibe of our campus. What young, 18 year old college freshman wouldn't want to be feeling so fly like a G6?".

        While the program is not set to be instituted for a year, details are already being worked out. To ensure that all furniture will fit inside each room, Geneva is not only preparing triple bunked beds, but is also constructing a system of triple bunked desks and chairs in the spirit of "mega-desk" to maximize the vertical component of each airy room.

         Resident Life knows that the new accommodations could lead to some minimal special discomfort, especially for those freshmen whom have never had to live in a cramped room with multiple strangers for an extended period of time. “We are hoping that the tight spaces and stringent rooming options will encourage some freshman to leave on fall break and not return.” said Best, “That will free up some space for the real Geneva faithful, the ‘Frozen Chosen,’ and keep our class numbers to a reasonable figure.”

         Fortunately for upperclassmen, Resident Life is looking into a new program that will involve leasing portions of the rugby field for students to build their own shanty, lean-to, or similar makeshift structure. This new project would still maintain all of the leadership staff provided in other buildings only under new titles (e.g. Resident Director becomes Resident Mayor of Shanty Town or RMST, etc.) Desperate times call for desperate measures, but as the saying goes: “sometime the best solutions are the most complex and onerously contrived solutions”….or something like that. 

Geneva College Adds Arranged Marriage Option for Single Seniors

MRS degrees used to be the butt of self-conscious jokes: now they are the lynchpin of Geneva College’s new program. To remedy the graduating class’s steadily rising rate of unluckiness in love, Geneva is offering the option of college-arranged marriages to all seniors.

“Grove City College is known for its near-guarantee of matrimonial bliss by senior year,” says Ken Smith, president of Geneva College. “Frankly, our lack of the same guarantee is just starting to look embarrassing.”

            Seniors can register for the program in the fall or spring semester. They will take a one-credit class that prepares them for married life, and at graduation they will be presented with their new spouse. For a small additional fee, Geneva offers the use of The College Hill Reformed Presbyterian Church, a pastor, and a reception catered by the best Alexander Dining Hall will offer. For couples planning a honeymoon, Geneva also offers the option of attending a seminar on their wedding night, entitled “Student Loans and You: Your New Relationship with the Federal Government.”

            Couples unable to afford the cost of marriage can have their relationship subsidized by the Reformed Presbyterian denomination by promising to raise their firstborn child in the Reformed Presbyterian faith.

            “We hope that offering this certainty and stability will both allow our current students to sleep better at night and attract prospective students from more diverse demographics, including those who are socially awkward, extremely conservative, and looking for a life of middle-class steadiness. Unfortunately,” Dr Ken Smith added, "we already have all the college-age Reformed Presbyterians.”


“We hope that the new program will further accomplish our mission of teaching irresponsible young people to become independent and accountable adults by telling them exactly what to do,” Dr Ken Smith concluded by saying. “If our long-term plan works out, we should be seeing a major influx of students by somewhere around 2031.”

Ken Smith Ensnared by Addicting Social Media

           After reaching over 600 friends on Facebook in less than a month, Ken Smith has joined millions of teenagers, creepers, and ______ around the world that are addicted to social media.
           “At first I looked at the Facebook thing as a cool way to connect with my students,” commented Smith, while tagging pictures and updating his status on twitter. “Now I’m hooked.”  In the past week, Smith has joined Twitter, Formspring, Myspace, Xanga, LinkedIn, Google+, DeviantArt, LiveJournal, Skype, Oovoo, Badoo, eHarmony, Youtube, Tagged, Orkut, Flickr, Digg, Stumbleupon, Yelp, Kaboodle, Fark, and IMDB.
           With new networks popping up everyday, Smith believes he will move onto a “hipper” scene within the next two to four years.  “The more popular I get, the less time I will have for the more menial things in my life,” Smith shares, laughing at a viral Youtube video of a baby monkey riding on a pig, baby monkey.  “I can’t possibly run a school when xxBeastmode23 keeps starting tweet battles with me.”

Geneva To Learn How to Spell Handbook

Beaver Falls - On Tuesday, March 20th, almost 7 months since the start of the 2011-2012 academic year, the Student Development office made the realization that their mass-produced student handbook has “Handbook” spelled incorrectly.
Dr. Mike Loomis, Dean of Student Development, was confronted by Cupboard reporters mid-afternoon on Tuesday and handed an issue of the “Hanbook.”  “What is this?” Loomis questioned, aghast at such an obvious error.  “Please tell me this is only copy with this mistake on it.”
Unfortunately, over 1400 copies of the Student Handbook have been issued to students this year.  A recent poll shares that over 75% of students had also overlooked the lack of the letter “d.”  Of that 75%, an astonishing 12% admitted to having looked at the handbook more than once.
           “I really don’t’ think it’s fair that we are graded so intently on our grammar in our classes, while Geneva is mass-producing the guide to our entire education with a misspelled word in bold, size 76 font”,  says Emily Bestor, a Senior English Major.
           While many annoyed English majors share this belief, the majority of students find it to be “downright comical.” Many have claimed to have read through the entire handbook just to see if they can find more errors.
           Student Development plans to cover up their mistake by passing the error off as a test to see if anyone actually cares about or uses the handbook.

2012 Raised tution money goes directly to student activities “candy and random food handouts” account

Beaver Falls- With a lawsuit on the horizon coupled with an abnormally small freshman class, it came as no surprise to the Geneva community when the returning students received a letter informing them that there will be a rise in tuition cost starting next year in excess of 500 dollars per semester.

On Wednesday March 21, the Student Activities office on campus announced that the money will go directly into their “candy and random food handouts” account. “We couldn’t be more excited,” added Ryan Holt, director of student activities on campus, “We have been working hard to work for the students and provide for their random food cravings as much as we can. There is only so many cans of pop, candy bars, and cotton candy you can hand out at any one event. We have been trying to appease the student body by handing out copious amounts of Wendy’s Frosties and Oram’s Doughnuts, but we didn’t have the money we needed for a consistent welfare system.”

The excitement around campus was tangible. Music Business Major Matt Neal could not keep his hysterics under wraps, “Yes I’m a senior, but I have to come back for a 5th year now! Sure we could use that money for new equipment in various departments, air conditioning in old main, or stocking the food service with better weekend foods, but who needs that when you can get free candy?”  In the wake of this joyous announcement, Students Activities have officially adopted the motto “Bring me your tired, your weary, your hungry, your overweight, and I will give them diabetes.”

Rumor has it: Creepy Old Man Lives in Bell Tower

    Since the invention of the church bell and its use as a time keeper, there has been a necessity for one man to ring those blessed bells. A need for one man to embrace as his calling the responsibility of alerting the masses the time of day. As we have read in Victor Hugo’s writing and Disney’s intriguing adaptations of his book, this job literally requires every minute of a man’s life. The vocation of bell ringer came with meager wage but much responsibility. Without the bell ringer, nations from centuries past would have only the sun and its placement in the sky  on which to rely.
    However, as time passes and civilization advances, some jobs have evolved and have been overtaken by the technology of a new age. Slowly over the 19th and 20th century, cathedrals, libraries, and all other bell tower locations moved from the stone age into this age of technology, and with this change came the elimination of the bell ringer.....in most cases.
    Over the past 50 years, rumors about the McCartney bell tower at Geneva College still having a bell ringer have periodically surfaced. In an interview with English professor Dr. Haas, he stated, “I’m not saying I’ve seen shadows moving around in the windows of the bell tower, and I’m not saying I smoked my pipe with an elderly gentleman on the top of the bell tower just last week. I’m not saying that on record. What was the question again?”
    To strengthen this argument, communication professor Pete Croisant lent to the conversation, “I used to spend a lot of time in the tower in the 1930’s. There was a man who rung the bell and lived up there. I think people call him Quasinado. I guess its a mix between Quasimodo and tornado. Who knows if he’s still up there though.”
So let’s lay out the facts:
1. There used to be a bell ringer nick-named Quasinado in McCartney Library
2. Based on Dr. Haas’ testimony, he could still inhabit the tower
3. President Smith owns an autographed copy of Victor Hugo’s “Hunchback of Notre Dame”
    Now, based on these facts, is there really a legitimate chance that an old hermit lives in the bell tower and rings the bell every quarter of an hour? It seems unrealistic but who can give testimony to something to the contrary? Clearly, more research must be done before a verdict can be made, but if rumor turns to reality, add Quasinado to the secrets and folklore surrounding McCartney library. In conclusion, The Cupboard will be giving a monetary prize to any Geneva student who can bring legitimate evidence toward the revelation of Quasinado, a hero who is stretching the very limits of the “everything is spiritual” calling and vocation doctrine of Geneva.