2012 Raised tution money goes directly to student activities “candy and random food handouts” account

Beaver Falls- With a lawsuit on the horizon coupled with an abnormally small freshman class, it came as no surprise to the Geneva community when the returning students received a letter informing them that there will be a rise in tuition cost starting next year in excess of 500 dollars per semester.

On Wednesday March 21, the Student Activities office on campus announced that the money will go directly into their “candy and random food handouts” account. “We couldn’t be more excited,” added Ryan Holt, director of student activities on campus, “We have been working hard to work for the students and provide for their random food cravings as much as we can. There is only so many cans of pop, candy bars, and cotton candy you can hand out at any one event. We have been trying to appease the student body by handing out copious amounts of Wendy’s Frosties and Oram’s Doughnuts, but we didn’t have the money we needed for a consistent welfare system.”

The excitement around campus was tangible. Music Business Major Matt Neal could not keep his hysterics under wraps, “Yes I’m a senior, but I have to come back for a 5th year now! Sure we could use that money for new equipment in various departments, air conditioning in old main, or stocking the food service with better weekend foods, but who needs that when you can get free candy?”  In the wake of this joyous announcement, Students Activities have officially adopted the motto “Bring me your tired, your weary, your hungry, your overweight, and I will give them diabetes.”